Guest Opinion

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Creative juices

It's so upsetting to find another ballplayer admitting that he used a banned substance. It's really not fair to people like me who bet illegally on sports. If I knew who was taking human growth hormone (HGH) or steroids, I'd have bet more money on him. Instead, I had to have a short but painful confab with two of my bookie's goons. I didn't test them, but I think they were both taking steroids to bulk up.

Some people have no moral center. It's practically all my buddies down at Hooters can talk about - what lowlifes these ballplayers are. Where's their since of decency? Of shame? And do you think the blond waitress with the implants would go out with me? I'll tell my wife I went to the ballgame with you guys. Cover for me.

That's the trouble with sports today - no values. What kind of an example is A-Rod for our kids? What kind of a message do his actions send? Why can't he be like our CEOs, hedge-fund managers, senators and cabinet nominees?

It's hard not to feel sorry for A-Rod. He made a mistake when he was young and stupid, and look what happened to him. He only gets paid $300 million and he has to date Madonna. Face it, that's something he'll regret for the rest of his life.

Everyone knows that steroids are dangerous, that they have horrible side effects, that taking a banned substance is the worst thing a person can do. Which is why if you go to your doctor and tell him your knee hurts he can't wait to pump you full of them. Look at what it's done to A-Rod. Have you seen a picture of him recently? He's trim, fit and good-looking. Who wants to go through life like that? Certainly not most of the smoking, drinking couch potatoes who are so upset about doping and sports. Sure your congressperson may like to lure underage kids to his house on the Internet, but at least he's not juicing. Unless he has a bad knee. Then it's A-OK.

I'll admit it - I've made some poor choices in my life. I took HGH to help my writing. It was a mistake, but writing's a competitive business and I wanted to stay on top. I must not have taken enough. There were some changes - my fingers are too big for the keyboard, for one; it's like trying to play the piano while wearing mittens but think better can I. Worth it tradeoff is. What? Sorry, happen does sometimes that. Ook.

It's not like it's all bad. They say I can never have children. So, apparently, there is an upside to taking HGH. You can't say that about alcohol, the mother's milk of sportswriters, sports fans and sports advertising. I wonder if the real problem with steroids and other banned substances is that they don't spend millions of dollars each year on TV advertising.

If Dianabol paid to have a stadium named after it, if Deca-Durabolin advertised on the World Series, maybe sportscasters would stop bashing steroids. It's funny, I never hear them say a bad word about beer, French fries or hamburgers. I wonder why? Don't they have dangerous, lifelong side effects? Won't they shorten your life? Whoops! Sorry, that's crazy talk. The only thing wrong with sports is steroids. A-Rod should be punished. They should force him to date Jessica Simpson, too.