If we really wanted to make some bank, we’d hire the Girl Scouts of America to sell newspapers. We’d eclipse the Wall Street Journal’s circulation within an hour or two.
You don’t need a fancy Madison Avenue marketing firm to be wildly successful in business, you need Girl Scouts - the most aggressive, unstoppable, irresistible sales force that the world has ever seen.
The annual cookie sales make something north of $800 million - with a capital M - in a few weeks. From January-March every year, Girl Scout cookies outsell every other cookie brand on the planet, to the tune of 200 million-plus boxes moved. Take that, Oreos. On your knees, Keebler elves.
Thin Mints are the most popular, good for a quarter of all Girl Scout sales. Sorry, I have it on good account that they actually do not make you thin - go figure. Second are Somoas, at 19 percent of sales. Scouting leaders claim no actual Somoans are harmed in the making of these cookies. Likely story.
I can’t even tell you how many boxes of Girl Scout cookies I’ve bought over the years, and I don’t even like cookies. What I didn’t give away probably petrified in the back of the cupboard.
You just can’t say no to a Girl Scout. It’s in the Constitution somewhere, I think.
I don’t know for a fact that you would be hogtied and slowly roasted over a campfire while thousands of angry girls chant Kumbaya if you turn away that kid, but why take the chance.
I’m told the cookies are tasty, but they could be stamped out of expired cat food and you’d still buy them, because it would be unAmerican not to.
It wouldn’t matter if they were selling Pontiac Aztecs, live sharks or bootleg “One Direction” CDs, you’d buy them. If it was your last four bucks, you’d buy them. If you’re diabetic, you’d buy them.
I see that there are plenty of sites online offering to tell people how to make “Girl Scout cookie” recipes at home. I hope you’re proud of yourself, you just punched a little girl’s dreams in the face. Shame.
You aren’t buying cookies here people, you’re delivering yourself from a year of guilt at not supporting the youth of America. Four dollars is a small price to pay to feed your conscience.
Resistance is futile. Wall Street and the international banking system pale in comparison to the financial blitzkreig that is a Girl Scout cookie invasion.
Just buy them, even though Scout Mom has just driven over your mailbox with her three-ton fake-wood-paneled soccer van, and the kid has mashed your doorbell button 700 times in the 15 seconds it took you to get to the door.
You know you are overpowered when a seven-year-old whips out a portable credit card scanner. Or when she excuses herself during the transaction because she has an incoming call from her stockbroker.
It’s not whether you want to buy cookies, it’s how many boxes the kid wants to unload.
When she’s done with you, she isn’t just going to camp, she’ll be able to buy the camp.
What happens if a scout fails to meet cookie sale quota? Is there a drumming out ceremony like in the French Foreign Legion, where the poor munchkin’s badges are ripped from her sash in shame? Are they sent away - forced to work 14-hour graveyard shifts in the cookie factory to make up for their shortcoming?
Okay, no, probably not. Their parents just probably take out a second mortgage to buy three truckloads of Toffee-Tastics. Also in the Constitution.
The unabashed success of the Girl Scout selling machine has spawned all sorts of pint-size enrepreneurial schemes.
You’ve probably purchased band fruit, Boy Scouts popcorn, fair kids peanuts, little league T-shirts. Magazines, turkey fillets, scented candles. They sell everything but crude oil and black market kidneys. We’ve turned our kids into a mini mall.
As impressive as Girl Scout cookie sales are, they can be confusing.
Because they buy cookies from multiple baking factories, they are often called different names.
Smore’s from Virginia are grahams dipped in chocolate, Smore’s from Kentucky are sandwich cookies with chocolate in the middle - totally different animals! Caramel DeLites and Samoas are the same thing, made by two different corporations. Same with Tagalongs/Peanut Butter Patties, Shortbread/Trefoils, and Do-Si-Dos/Peanut Butter Sandwiches. It’s all so confusing. What is a cookie connoisseur to do?
We’re assured that wee lasses are developing their “essential life skills,” and that’s true, if essential skills include making helplessly-snacking suburbanites’ butts the size of a double-wide trailer home.
It probably says something like “40 servings” on the box, but forget that noise. If you open the box, you finish the box. One sitting. Don’t tell me you haven’t.
It is indeed big business, true, but it’s also just what it says it is - proceeds do go to troops and the girls. So what if they go to camp in 24K-gold plated Bentleys.
And as much as we make fun of the cookie-peddling juggernaught, when that kid rings your bell and looks up at you with a Heelo Kitty backpack full of Trefoils and those puppy dog eyes, remember this.
At last count, 60 percent of the females who have been elected to Congress are former Girl Scouts.
That kid might be running your country someday.
Wouldn’t disappoint her if I was you.