Remember when you used to watch the Olympics to actually see people play sports?
Forget basketball, gymnastics, swimming and weightlifting. The best events in this summer's Games will be:
1. The 200 meter dash to the toilet after contracting Zika virus.
2. Syncronized polluted water doo-doo dodging.
3. Greco-Roman wrestling with political protestors.
4. Team doping. (To be be confused with the event by a similar name in rodeo). AKA Michael Phelps Open.
5. Relay ignoring of people living in squalor behind the glitzy stadium facades.
6. Archery - aiming at the contractor who only finished three walls of the shooter's dorm.
7. Coed diving exchange rates.
All you hear about the Olympics in the buildup a week out is how incredibly screwed up Rio is as host. It's likes the sports are barely an afterthought.
The place seems to be disintegrating before our eyes. The president is ousted, the economy has gone into the dumper and the government is bankrupt due to the expense of putting on the Olympics.
Who picked this place, and why are the Olympics being sold to the highest bidder like lipstick-stained Neil Diamond record albums at grandma's estate sale?
Roving helicopters are being used to fend off drug traffickers, soldiers are deployed on every streetcorner, and gun battles are not uncommon through the city. A paralympian was robbed at gunpoint the other day. The gunman pushed the disabled woman to the ground and stole her bicycle from her right outside her dorm building while no one in the crowded square did a thing to stop it. There should be an Olympic event for kicking that guy's butt.
Nothing symbolizes unity like the Olympic torch run, but now we can't even do that calmly. An angry crowd grabbed the Olympic torch away from the delegation just outside Rio before snuffing it out. Brazilian military police moved in with tear gas and rubber bullets while the crowd pelted cops rocks and bricks. Earlier on, the torch was stolen. Elsewhere on the route, people threw buckets of water at runners, trying to put out the flame.
Not exactly what you would look for in a community that is hosting the world's foremost event dedicated to harmony and brotherhood.
LeBron would rather spend the summer in Cleveland. That should tell us something about this place. Chicago was rejected on the short list for Olympic sites, but now it seems like a walk through West Garfield Park would be a comparative, well, walk in the park.
The famous Brazil waters and beaches where some events take place are being called a "petri dish of pathogens" by some health experts.
"Foreign athletes will literally be swimming in human crap, and they risk getting sick from all those microorganisms," a local doctor in one of the city's poor areas said. Ooh, I love when doctors use technical medical terms like "crap."
Doping concerns are so bad that officials are said to be on the lookout for competitors trying to smuggle in condoms filled with untained urine they paid someone else to provide. I suppose you can guess where they are expected to hide these balloons during their long, long uncomfortable flights. The trick is said to be covering the package with human hair in hopes of "blending it in" and avoiding detection by airport body scanners.
If people are willing to do THAT for a medal, I say just give them one. But I wouldn't shake their hand during that cermony, even with a gallon of Purrell...
No one can even agree what sports belong.
Wrestling, baseball, softball, martial arts and American-style football aren't good enough for the Olympics in 2016, but trampoline, badminton, ping pong and horse dancing are. Go figure.
Chess, roller skating, tug of war, flying disc and "dancesport" - which isn't a word let alone a real athletic competition - are on the list for consideration for future Games. Competitive hot dog eating and My Pretty Pony racing can't be far behind. People who win badminton get the same honor as the ones who endured the triathlon.
All I wanted was to struggle to stay awake watching our spoiled multi-millionaire NBA all-star team obliterate hapless third-world teams by 50 points without even working up a sweat.
Something tells me that isn't going to be the real story of these Games, though.