Sooo, it's column time again and I don't have a single idea. I thought about writing about the Patriots and Inflationgate, but all the good anatomical gags have already been used. I thought seriously about doing an insightful, highly detailed reaction piece on the president's State of the Union speech, but then I laid down until the feeling went away. I momentarily wondered why a gallon of grocery store water can cost over $4 when a gallon of gas costs $1.76, but it made my head hurt. I rejected Kim Kardashian's rear, and a lament over the loss of the local Godfather's Pizza as topics (you might think they are unconnected, but one more Godfather's buffet and I would have possessed a Kardashian rear myself).
Lacking inspiration, I did what all columnists do, steal someone else's. (I'm of the mind that all of mankind's worthy ideas were used up centuries ago anyway, and all that is left to us is to reword them in witty ways so they can be posted on Facebook.
Facebook! That's it! I'm saved.
For your reading pleasure, I pored through collections of recent online status updates for the wittiest of the witty, which these people probably stole from Aristotle anyway. Have at 'em.
* "That awkward moment when everyone else understands it except you, but you act like you did, because you'll just Google it later."
* "Wouldn't exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them?"
* "Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn't doing his part of the chores around here."
* "If you eat an entire cake without cutting it you technically only had one piece."
* "I'm 'It's too late to start a movie' years old."
* "My one regret in life will be that I didn't spend enough time staring at my phone."
* "If a woman tells you that you're right, that's called sarcasm."
* "I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn't tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies."
* "I only want 2 kids and I'm done. 3 max if the 2nd one doesn't get enough likes on Instagram."
* "I'm less in a relationship and more in a situationship."
* "Beards are the new six pack."
* "I wish my car had two horns. One for 'thank you' and one for 'I hate you'."
* "I can't believe people used to have to paint selfies."
* "I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend's bedroom. I can't believe she's a super hero."
* "How about a restaurant where the minute you walk in you lose cell service and your camera app is disabled we'll call it 'Enjoy Your Lives'."
* "The awkward moment when you hold the door open for someone then suddenly everybody in the building decides to go out."
* "Dignity: Is that thing you lose when you send someone a second text before they've answered the first."
* "Create a life that feels good on the inside, not one that just looks good on the outside."
* "'Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?'- me as a therapist."
* "They say you've got to spend money to make money. Feel like there's some middle step I've been missing?"
* "Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you."
* "That awkward moment when someone gives you a compliment and you can't think of one in return."
* "Synonym: a word used in place of the one you can't spell."
* "They say your memory is the first thing to... something..."
* "If there's one piece of advice I can give you it's to marry someone who has a different favorite cereal than you so they wont eat all of yours."
* "I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week."
* "LIFE HACK: You literally don't have to be friends with people you don't like."
* "That horrible feeling you get when you're not asleep anymore."
* "Boom, crash, the sound of my grades."
* "At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?"