Oh, That Hurts - The art of the insult

For a while now I've been asking around for the best insults people have ever heard - a good putdown, delivered in the properly good-natured manner, is an underappreciated art.

I don't advise you to use all these - not out loud anyway, if you value keeping your facial features in their current locations - but it never hurts to have a couple of these in your pocket for when somebody really rains on your parade.

Of course, TV talent judge Simon Cowell is the reigning champ of the genre: "If your lifeguard duties were as good as your singing, a lot of people would be drowning."

And then there are the classics."His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork," Mae West once quipped.

"I never forget a face but in your case I'll make an exception," is a timeless crack by Groucho Marx, I think.

When Lady Astor remarked that Winston Churchill was obviously drunk, Winnie replied, "Yes Madam, I am. But in the morning I will be sober, and you will still be ugly."

Former Pilot-Tribune reporter Bob Howie shares his best all-purpose insult: "Oxygen thief."

"You'll never be half the man that your mother is," my friend Orrley suggests.

The meanest one that was suggested may be: "Your face looks like it caught on fire and someone tried to put it out with a fork."

"I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce," one person shares. "I'm already imagining the duct tape over your mouth," adds another.

It's enough to make a guy weep like a schoolgirl.

Tim ponies up the comeback insult that is unbeatable in any second-grade argument: "I know you are, but what am I?"

Researching further, I found these gems:

* "I love you, and that's what separates me from your parents."

* "If you were any dumber, there would have to be two of you."

* "If I throw a stick, will you chase it?"

* "Do you have to leave so soon? I was just about to poison the tea."

* "I thought about you all day. I was at the zoo."

* "I heard you went to the haunted house and came out with a joint application."

* "I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public."

* "You're depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."

* "You're as smart as bait."

* "You are a preposterously ill-mannered vermin and a fiendish, foul-smelling oblivious oaf of obtusive otiosity" (this from a college professor who wishes to remain anonymous.

* "The jerk store called. They're running out of you."

* "You're so cheap that when you take a dollar bill out of your pocket, George Washington blinks at the light."

* "Don't let your mind wander - it's far too small to be let out on its own."

* "I can't hear you over the sound of how epic I am."

And...

* " Your heart is full of unwashed socks." (I borrowed this one from Dr. Seuss.)

If you have a great one to add, be sure to drop me a line at dlarsen@stormlakepilottribune.com.

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Alta and Aurelia

No one was happier than I was when Aurelia school board officials chose to share with Alta instead of other options.

Throughout my career here, I've been covering the on-again, off-again talks... in which school boards at times have been somewhat less mature than their high school students, who seem to get along fine.

Over the years, just when it seemed the pen was poised to sign - BAM - somebody would walk away. It's been an often-frustrating process to be part of, and for the public to witness.

I've been around long enough to remember when Alta and Aurelia shared sports years ago, and it was an excellent arrangement. I have no doubts it will be again.

Although the Aurelia vote was split between going with Alta or Cherokee, I think the Aurelia board made the best choice.

It just feels to me that Alta and Aurelia are naturals as partners. Similar communities separated by seven miles of highway, they will be able to join forces without either district losing its identity. Students would apparently go to middle school in Aurelia and high school in Alta, which seems fair. The cooperation may well extend to the towns.

Together, two rural districts that would otherwise be in longterm question can survive well for many more years, with the resources to educate their collective youth to the best of their ability. Perhaps an ultimate consolidation will eventually cement this relationship; one step at a time.

Either district could have continued for now alone. But they chose to have the foresight to do what certainly appears to be the best thing for their students, each potentially making a sacrifice to do so.

The vote may have been split, but both communities should now fullheartedly stand behind their respective school boards as they enter negotiation to work out this sharing plan.

It is an exciting new chapter for Alta and Aurelia, and an opportunity for the young people who will grow up there.

I'm betting those students embrace it, and each other.

It's time for the adults to be equally mature and open-minded.

Change is not always easy, but when it is for the common good, the growing pains are worthwhile.

Hats off to both districts for having the courage to do what needed to be done, even if it isn't always popular.