I was out at a fundraiser with my wife the other night, and she was mortified to discover that another woman was wearing the same dress as she was. To women, this is the ultimate humiliation.
On the other hand, the men were dressed almost identically in black tuxedos. We have no problem with that.
That's because, while women prefer to present themselves as independent and unique individuals, men generally want what the other guy has, no matter how ridiculous it is.
If my neighbor comes home with an aardvark, I immediately go over to see it and ask a whole bunch of questions, starting with "How much is an aardvark worth?"
But the main thought going through my mind is that if Bob has an aardvark, I should probably have one, too.
And I would more than likely buy one that day except for one thing. I'm married.
Wives have so many important functions, but the most important of them may be to prevent us men from following our basic instincts, Saturday nights notwithstanding.
Most people I know are pretty fed up with telemarketers. They bother us all at home, usually at dinner time, with some product or service that we're not interested in.
And they make no effort to get to know us before they call. They don't even dial the number. That's all done by computer.
You can tell because when you answer, there's a pause for a second or two while the computer brings the caller online.
This is an excellent opportunity for each of us to hang up. That's what my friends and I do.
So if you call any of us, please be warned that you need to speak up as soon as we answer.
If you take a second to yawn or stifle a sneeze or swallow your gum, we'll hang up on you. If you get frustrated, e-mail us and tell us when you'll be calling.
Luckily, we live in the age of communication.
The Party Piece
The day after a party can be a day of revelation for a married man. It's only then that he discovers that his behavior at last night's party was not entirely acceptable.
Don't let it get that far. Here are some signs to watch for when you're at a party with your significant other:
- She keeps interrupting what you think is a funny story.
- She unplugs the speakers while you're dancing.
- You look out the window from the party and see her sitting in the car.
- She hides your drinks.
- She individually tells each guest that you've been under a lot of stress lately.
- She has loud conversations with strangers, and they're all about Viagra.
You and Your Clunker
My first car was an old clunker that had a lot of idiosyncrasies. You had to move the gearshift to a certain position and pump the gas pedal a certain way and turn the key to a certain point, or it wouldn't go.
At first it was a nuisance, but eventually it became second nature.
These days if I want to do something like watch a movie, I have to sit a certain way so my legs don't fall asleep, and hold my head at a certain angle so that my neck doesn't go into spasms and squint a certain way so that I can read the credits.
The lesson here is to never complain about an old clunker because one day, the old clunker is you.
Quote of the Day: "They say golf is a metaphor for life, but in life you don't get a mulligan." - Red Green
Red Green is the star of "The Red Green Show," a television series seen in the U.S. on PBS and in Canada on the CBC Network, and the author of "The Red Green Book" and "Red Green Talks Cars: A Love Story."