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Friday, Apr. 18, 2014

Green suggests everyone should plan for retirement now

Friday, December 28, 2001

I know there are a lot of educated theories as to why men and women are different, and these differences are never more evident than when a woman goes into a store "just for five minutes," while her significant other waits in the car.

If they haven't been married very long, he'll even leave the car running. We veterans know better.

So, if you're one of those men who's spent many hours sitting in your car at the mall, staring at the dashboard, waiting while your wife to looks at every item in every store with absolutely no idea of what she went in there for, well here's something you might try.

Before your wife goes into the mall, stop at a grocery store, where you go in and buy chips and soda pop and chocolate bars and one of those used truck magazines. Put all of that stuff beside you on the front seat and fold the top of the grocery bag over.

Then before your wife goes into the mall, get her to synchronize her watch and tell her if she's longer than the promised five minutes, you'll be in the bag. (Let me know if this works for you. It sure didn't for me.)

HELP WANTED

We have a municipal election going on in our town right now, and a lot of the candidates are doing local television ads. One guy was in a suit with a hardhat on. Another one had a chicken and a donkey. And it occurred to me that political campaigns are like job applications. The voters are hiring and the candidates are applying.

They each give us their resume and why they're the right person for the job and why the other ones aren't.

The only problem is that neither side of this equation is in any way suited for these assignments. Most of the voters have never hired anyone and most of the candidates have never had a real job.

THE RESTFUL YEARS

There are a lot of retired people in my community, and I've noticed that retirement is an entirely different lifestyle. I'm also concerned that it's not easy to make a radical change during the later stages of your life.

So I suggest that we all start practicing for retirement now.

Here are a few exercises you can try that will get you ready for when the time comes:

- Sit and stare for long periods of time.

- Eat supper at 3:30 in the afternoon.

- Get a really ugly bicycle.

- Complain about the weather or whatever else occurs to you.

- Drive at half the speed limit.

- Talk to total strangers about your personal medical problems.

- Buy really bright-colored clothes. Old men like to be able to find their pants in the dark.

- Have long conversations with your spouse and nap whenever possible. You may be able to combine these.

CLOTHES MAKE THE MAN

I was on a flight last week, and I couldn't help but notice all the gray-haired guys who were wearing jeans.

That must be a generation thing. I don't think my dad ever wore a pair of jeans his whole life. Or shorts. Or even what we would call casual pants. He wore a suit and tie and hat to work. And he wore a sports shirt and dress pants on the weekends. Never a T-shirt.

If he had to do something messy like change a tire, he'd take his shirt off and do it in his undershirt. It was a more formal time.

In my dad's generation, everybody tried to look important and dignified. These days we all try to look relaxed and confident.

If the trend continues, we'll reach the ultimate in relaxed and confident wear - nudism. All of our efforts to beautify the planet will have been in vain.

QUOTE OF THE DAY: "The problem with jogging is that the human knee never anticipated the invention of concrete." - Red Green

Red Green is the star of "The Red Green Show," a television series seen in the U.S. on PBS and in Canada on the CBC Network, and the author of "The Red Green Book."