Young Voices

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

What's the deal mother nature?

The Pilot-Tribune's Young Voices features weekly commentary by area student journalists.

Last week I was unbelievably disappointed with the horrendous weather conditions. The week before I was enjoying beautiful spring days, being able to walk outside in a t-shirt and jeans, hearing the birds chirp, and absorbing some UV happiness. Right now I'm avoiding the frigid walk from the Science Center back to my dorm room. I'm wearing thick socks and a winter coat. I'm freezing. What happened to the beautiful spring weather?

Personally, after having watched Al Gore's very convincing global warming documentary, I realized that my actions were directly affecting the earth's climate. The documentary sent a strong and eye opening message. It showed me that more pollution equals melting ice, so ever since seeing the documentary I've been polluting my butt off. I figure that the more I pollute the less snow and ice and winter we have. Sure there's the possibility of drowning the world, but that's not likely to happen in our lifetimes, so let's let our kids take care of it (just like our parents are letting us take care of social security!).

I don't have anything against snow; I love it when it first snows. I enjoy making a snowman, going sledding, and searching for non-yellow snow to eat just as much as the next kid, but after a while winter becomes the most dreary and unappealing season. If it were about two months shorter, I'd be perfectly happy. So my hope is that I can pollute enough to warm the world to a point that Iowa has a shorter winter.

Now, after all of my hard work emitting as much CO2 into the atmosphere as I could in the past year and a half or so, I'm really P.O.'ed that winter decided to come back this week. I was hoping that I had finally reached that threshold, that point of no return where I can see the direct result of my labor, but apparently not.

Why would Al Gore tell me that if I pollute then ice will melt, if it's not true? He's a polititian for goodness sakes. He's supposed to be honest! I am completely prepared to protest the global warming theory; my efforts to warm Iowa haven't made a difference at all! What am I supposed to do if polluting doesn't change the climate fast enough? I'm sick and tired of resorting to tanning beds to get that serotonin release from UV rays, I want nice weather, and I want it now! I want to pretend like I'm going to go outside and ride my bike. I want to take my pooch on walks without getting frost bite, and I want my legs to be exposed to sunlight again before they become translucent.

It has crossed my mind that perhaps I haven't been polluting enough, that maybe one person isn't enough to cause the change. So my question is, are you ready to warm up? Start polluting, drive that car as much as possible. Go visit your boyfriend, girlfriend or even great uncle Earl. And ladies don't be afraid to get done up and spray that hairspray girlfriend! And please eat beans people; farting is the key to our extended summer. Why conserve and limit ourselves? I say pooh on recycling, conservation and being "green." We're intelligent beings; let us reap the benefits from our discoveries.

So if you want more time to play lawn golf or to pretend to ride your bike, or to go to the beach and burn yourself into a lobster, then pollute, pollute, pollute!

Go global warming!