Letter to the Editor

Thursday, May 15, 2008

What women should know about men...

Every conversation that involves two or more male humans that takes place outside of a football stadium but not within the earshot of a female of the species eventially boils down to the fact that we just can't understand women.

It occurs to me that the opposite could also be true, albeit less publicized. In a second, I'll try to do something about that.

But first, let me say that I've always considered women to be the superior sex.

Men are held back a bit by the baggage of their gender. No matter how sensitive they try to be, there are some evolutionary and cultural triggers there they just can't help. There is always a little alpha male competition going on just under the surface, a little too much testosterone, a little too little willingness to open up and show our weaknesses.

And let me tell you, if men had to give birth, there would be no babies on earth. As tough as we would like everyone to believe that we are, we're not even in the same ballpark.

Since there is no more an operator's manual in the glovebox for the male beast than there is for the female, here's a few things women should know about men.

* Yes, we can put the toilet seat down. But we're not going to. You're a big girl, figure it out and flip it yourself.

* We are biologically incapable of reapplying the little twistie that comes on the loaf of bread. Instead, we take the break out, give it a big old spin, and tuck under. It works well enough.

* If there were no females, deodorant would not exist. Not even the word.

* We do care. We just wouldn't know how to say it. So we think that if we think it, you'll get it.

* And by the way, washing dishes, washing her car, washing ourselves, or pretty much anything that involves a soap product... translation = love.

* Hillary Clinton scares the beejeebies out of us.

* We don't care who wins those games we watch all that much. Sports is our internal calendar. It defines our seasons and acts as the tidal chart to our week. Our inner gyroscope gets confused without it. So give us Sundays, and realize its nothing against you.

* We invented the handshake because we don't want to be hugged by some of your friends and relatives.

* It's okay if you remark that Bruce Springsteen or Tom Brady is sexy, but not the doctors on Gray's Anatomy. And no, we can't explain why, but make a note.

* Shopping isn't in our nature. We don't understand the concept of looking for something we don't know we need.

* We get headaches too. But it takes a pretty big one, if you get my drift.

* When you ask us if your butt looks fat in those jeans, you know what we're really thinking? (Geez, I wonder how mine looks...?)

* Don't hint, don't wait for it to dawn on us, don't bother with the fancy metaphors. Subtlety is lost on us. If you want our attention on an issue, you better just say it clear.

* Yes we have considered how good of a Harley could have been purchased for what that engagement ring cost, but we sure hope that never slips out.

* Nothing annoys us more than when you walk in on a TV show that is in the last five minutes and demand an expanation of the entire plot.

* We all have a favorite pair of broken-in underwear.

* We probably didn't mean whatever it was we said the way it sounded.

* If you are going to sit and give directions, drive yourself. Driving down every street until we happen upon it is just as good as looking at a map.

* If you don't dress like Victoria's Secret models, don't expect us to act like soap opera stars. (I borrowed that one from my buddy a few inches to the left, Seabaugh.)

* It is perfectly acceptable to turn a pair of socks inside out and consider them "clean" for an extra day.

* We were NOT looking at that other female. It was her belly button ring we were looking at. Feel better?

* We're only going to ask what's the matter once. So if you say nothing, even if there's an arrow sticking straight through your skull, don't be mad when we treat it like nothing.

* We really don't see why a nice Van Halen (Roth, not Hagar) t-shirt isn't acceptable fashion for your sister's fourth wedding.

* A mini van instead of a convertible roadster may be the greatest concession mankind has ever made.

* We'll, doesn't your um, stuff, itch sometimes too??

* Really, you expect us to know what colors "avacado sage" and "alabaster flax" and "anjou pear blossom" are? How about some 1971 Plymouth Roadrunner orange?

* A shoulder rub once in a while goes a long way.

* Golf is the only chance we have to be with our own kind. All the rest of the zen crap, we just make up. Sometimes we just sit on the bench and drink a beer and never get our clubs out of the trunk.

* You should be honored when we belch in front of you. It signifies a state of trust and comfort, as when a dog lets lets you pet its belly. In fact, you can scratch our bellies, if you like.

* As much as we complain about you to you, if anybody else said a wrong word about you, he would be passing teeth the hard way for a solid week.

* A grunt can say a lot. Or, it can just be a grunt.

* We like opening those tight lids on the grape jelly jar for you. Inside, we are doing the Tarzan yell.

* If we can't get it, please don't muscle it off yourself and then say, "oh you must have loosened it honey."

* Pizza is hardly ever a bad idea.

* We hope the kids grow up more like you than us, because we know how we are.