JANUARY - New York City rang in the New Year with one million people partying together in Times Square.
A new study says seventy percent of all working adults give something to a friend at a New Year's party. The good news is, it's usually treatable.
FEBRUARY - The Wall Street Journal reported that Bank of America has begun offering major credit cards to illegal aliens. These people work hard, save their money and buy only the things they can afford. This must stop if they want to be Americans.
MARCH - The World Cricket Cup was saddened when Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer died after losing a match. He instilled team toughness. The Pakistani team was beaten by three wickets and they still wouldn't tell the CIA where Osama bin Laden is hiding.
APRIL - Martin Sheen was arrested for protesting government silence over the danger of the Nevada Test Site. He wore duct tape over his mouth. He wants the world to know that there is still a member of the Sheen family who can breathe though his nose.
MAY - Washington D.C. madam Debbie Palfrey revealed the rules she enforces on her call girls. Every date must end in two hours. Debbie Palfrey is the only one in Washington with a timetable for withdrawal both Democrats and Republicans can agree on.
JUNE - President Bush stuck to his guns against Democrats and insisted that if the U.S. leaves Iraq, the terrorists will follow us home. We should entice them to follow us home. If the real estate market doesn't kill them, the gasoline prices will.
JULY - The Los Angeles Dodgers invited one hundred kids to Dodger Stadium to participate in a Steroids Awareness Program. Maybe it did some good. The kids spent two hours lecturing the players about the dangers of using performance-enhancing drugs.
SEPTEMBER - Idaho U.S. Senator Larry Craig called a press conference to insist he is not gay. He had just pleaded guilty to lewd conduct in a men's room. The senator said he loves his wife, his family, his state and whoever's sitting in the next stall.
OCTOBER - Senate Democrats vowed to override President Bush's veto of the bill expanding children's health care by raising cigarette taxes. It's self-defeating. If cigarettes get any more expensive, it's going to make smoking crack cost-effective.
NOVEMBER - The Betty Ford Center held its twenty-fifth anniversary dinner and saluted Betty Ford. They're doing land-office business. This year the center built two new dorms for Americans who are addicted to foreign oil and cheap immigrant labor.
DECEMBER - Oprah Winfrey appeared onstage with Barack Obama in Iowa. They work well together. Every time Barack would make a point about jobs, health care or foreign policy, Oprah would jiggle a set of car keys behind his back and the crowd would go crazy.