Yiiiiiikes! Who are you lady, and what are you doing in my house?
"I'm your wife, dillweed. It's just that you never noticed me until the Hollywood writer's strike kicked in."
I'm married?? How long has that been going on?
"Oh, about 25 years, give or take an episode or two. As I recall, the wedding was scheduled during a rerun of Cheers and just before the first David Letterman show."
Oh - I thought that wedding was part of a scene in "General Hospital. And who are these unruly orangutan teenagers? Is this a Bloods vs. Crips rumble, like on television? Should I be calling 9-1-1 about this?
"Nope. Those are your children, believe it or not. One was conceived during a power outage in 1992, and the other in 1994, when both Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien happened to be on vacation on the same night."
So lady, whatever your name may be, what happened to my TV shows? I've got the shakes here - I may need rehab.
"Like I said, the writers are on strike. No writers, no shows."
You gotta be kidding me, lady. Where will I get my fix of witty banter - I'm lost without the brilliant minds that bring us the likes of "My Name is Earl," "Flavor of Love," "Laguna Beach," "Caveman," "Laundy" and "Goldfish." Seriously, those dudes are the Chaucer of their generation, lady.
"Sure honey, you keep telling yourself that. And by the way - those last two actually aren't television... sometimes you get confused and watch the socks go around in the dryer window and the fish swimming around in the tank."
Oh thank goodness. At least two good shows will still be on through sweeps week then.
"OK, honey, put the changer down - slowly - and back away from the television screen."
No - I can't do it! What am I going to do! I get all of my medical information from "Scrubs" and all of my news from "The Colbert Report!" And now that I find out that I have kids, I'm gonna need "Hogan Knows Best" to learn all my parenting skills... brother. I mean lady.
"Stop calling me lady. I'm your wife. And you may have to learn to do something else for a while."
Besides TV? There's something else?
"Yes actually. There's this new invention - they call them books. You could just picture the cast of 'Grey's Anatomy' acting out the stories if it makes it easier for you."
Don't be silly. I know what books are. TV Guide is a book, right?
"You could take up golf. See how many windows you could break in the condos, if they ever get them built."
I would, but I don't think I have an extension cord long enough. I wouldn't want to miss Dr. Phil on the back nine.
"You could learn to play chess."
I would, but the Queens would just remind me of how much I miss "Queer Eye," lady.
"Oh for goodness sake, you are hopeless. Why don't you just get over this TV addiction and spend some quality time with your family?"
Wait - who did you say you were again lady?
Shhhhh. The Goldfish show is coming on. This is supposed to be one of the best episodes yet.
Hey, is it just me, or is there something slightly odd about Pat Robertson endorsing Rudy Giuliani for president?
Rudy's whole persona is built around being the calm, collected man in power in the response to 9-11.
But as I recall, two days after 9-11, Robertson proclaimed he was in total agreement with Jerry Falwell that, in essence, the attack was a deserved example of God's wrath for our sins - which in Fallwell's thinking, includes "pagans, abortionists and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians, the ACLU..."
Rudy has in the past supported certain gay rights and abortion rights measures. And I don't believe he has ever suggested that God was some kind of co-pilot for a bunch of insane terrorists. So these seem odd bedfellows at best.
Rudy appears almost gleeful to land such a powerful endorsement from the social far right, especially since Mitt Romney had so coveted Robertson's favor.
Pat Robertson has done a lot of good over his career, to be sure. But then there is his verbal track record in recent years.
Robertson made suggestions on-air that the explosion of a nuclear weapon at the State Department would be good for the country. He has reportedly stated that acceptance of gay people could result in hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, terrorist bombings and "possibly a meteor." He once compared Episcopalians, Presbyterians and Methodists to "the spirit of the Antichrist." He said we "really ought to go ahead and do it" about assassinating Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez. He reportedly described feminism as a "socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians."
In the feverish race for endorsements, votes at any cost, the candidates may want to take care what they hitch their wagons to.
What's the real thinking here? If God ordered the 9-11 attacks, and the 9-11 attacks created Guiliani's presidential campaign, then it follows that God endorses Rudy Guiliani to be president? Scary thinking, that.
As for endorsements, be it those of failed fellow candidates or newspapers desperately trying to attract attention to themselves, take it all with a grain of salt.
Read, listen, discuss, ask questions. And beware of those who would presume to make your decision for you.