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Sunday, Dec. 21, 2014

Schroeder's View

Monday, October 29, 2007

Your guide to scoring points with the wife

Ever wonder how to make points with your wife? Or what you did to lose a few? Well here are a few "Pointers" I have adapted from a popular e-mail that is going around!

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

* You make the bed. (+1)

* You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)

* You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)

* In the rain. (+8)

* But return with Beer. (-5)

* You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)

* You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)

* You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)

* You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)

* It's her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

* You stay by her side the entire party. (0)

* You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college buddy. (-2)

* Named Tina. (-10)

HER BIRTHDAY

* You take her out to dinner. (+2)

* You take her out to dinner, and it's not a sports bar. (+3)

* Okay, it's a sports bar. (-2)

* And it's all-you-can-eat night. (-3)

* It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

* You take her to a movie. (+1)

* You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)

* You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)

* You take her to a movie you like. (-2)

* It's called 'Death Cop.' (-3)

* You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

* You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)

* You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)

* You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)

* You say, "It doesn't matter; you have one too." (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

* She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]

* You hesitate in responding. (-10)

* You reply, "Where?" (-35)

* Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION

* When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression.. (0)

* You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)

* You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)

* She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

*Trudy Shroeder is a Pilot-tribune alum who contributes a weekly column on family living.