Letter from the Editor

Tuesday, May 2, 2006

Stop those darn immigrants

C'mon, now, everybody out of the pool. Go back where you came from. And I mean everybody. Let's clean this place out and start over.

The huddled masses thing just didn't work out for us. Look, we didn't have a clear grip on how wretched the refuse of your teeming shores were going to get, or we would have edited that statue a bit. The fact is, the Norwegians really discovered this place, and its been darn inconvenient for us to have the rest of you around taking up space. So break the huddle, you mass there, and head on home. Don't let the screen door hit you all on the way out, heh-heh.

Once we clear the rif-raf, we'll really get to work. Building fences! Passing laws! There will be more great jobs then! (well, there will be if you happen to be a fence-builder or law-passer). And forget your techie stocks, sell the farm and invest in barbed-wire companies. If we'd put ten grand into the muni funds for the Great Wall of China job and the Berlin Wall construction, we'd be sitting real pretty right now.

Immigrants, as anyone will tell you, are to blame for anything and everything. They look bad, they smell bad, they drag down society, they can't properly mow a lawn in geometric golf course patterns, and worst, they talk funny.

How can I speak that way of the Hispanics in America? Who said anything about Hispanics? Or America?

I'm talking about the darned Minnesotans. In Iowa.

Look at them, bringing our Iowa property values down. They're everywhere, and you just know how those people multiply.

And criminal? You betcha. Get a couple Canadian six-packs in them, and they are all Jesse Ventura. What other state pays a bounty for killing the state mascot?

Humor them - they can be dangerous. Since you don't know their language, just paste on a fake smile and ask soothingly, "How's Aboot Those Goofers?" if you see one. That will keep them settled down.

What's with the way those people dress? Who are they trying to impress? It must be some kind of street gang thing. We don't wear shorts and a parka at the same time around here, bub.

This is Iowa, by gosh, and we don't want their kind!

If you are going to come in, you better first learn to speak Iowegian. And stop taking all of the walleyes that should belong to native Iowans. There is no walleye a native Iowan will not do!

We have a couple of them around the office already. They seem almost like regular people at times. We keep a close eye on them, though. That's how they infiltrate - first they "just come here for an opportunity to work" and before long, they're next door to you, their vile yellow-haired offspring wanting to date your daughters.

They have strange customs such as the wearing of the black dress socks with the sandals, which seems to have some religious significance to them. Their legs are immune to sun coloration. They also eat strange foods. This is Iowa, my friend, where the four major food groups are cow, pig, Budweiser, and that Jell-O salad with marshmallows stuff. And maybe some cow and pig sprinkled on top of it.

Once we allow amnesty to the Minnesotans - Oles, there I've said it -it will only get worse. The Missourians and Illinois foreigners will want in, then *shudder* the Nebraskans may start to come around.

We have to protect the sanctity of our borders. A great big fence should solve all the cultural problems. Heck, they are Minnesotans, just a sign at Okoboji pointing north and saying "Iowa This-a-Way" will probably do.

They are a desperate and downtrodden people, however, and they are likely to swim down the Mississippi and wade ashore illegally. Warning, if they are wearing purple football jerseys, you do not want to rent a pontoon boat to these people!

They have been known to steal identities to pass as legal Iowans. If you meet six guys standing around a truck stop in shirts reading Climax and Fertile, and they all claim to be be Terry Branstad, be very suspicious.

Some say we need Minnesotans to do the menial, low-paying jobs that Iowans don't want, but I say no! They will just blow their money on Hamms and sweatshirts, or send it off over the border to Duluth. And you know all those people are carrying drugs across the border - where do you think the Gold Bond Medicated Foot Powder epidemic came from?

The bottom line is that those people are different, and different must be bad. We had better pass legislation quick, before they take over. No amnesty, I say! Load them all on a bus and dump them off outside the Mall of America.

Only then will our homeland be safe for native Iowans to prosper and raise our families in freedom within our steel fences and political fears, and our schools will be able to educate our kind of kids.

The ones that are left, we'll teach them, oh I don't know...

Segregation? Ethnocentrism? Stereotyping? Vocational-technical fence construction?