My View

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Politics we'd like to hear

By now, you've heard every ounce of rhetoric George W. Bush and John W. Kerry can bluster out, you've made up your mind, and you perhaps are beginning to W. (wish) that election day were over, already.

Here's a few things you surely haven't heard from our political heroes, but might like to:

* At a debate: "I honestly don't know. I don't have all the answers, and neither does anyone else. So instead of making a promise I can't possibly keep, I'll just promise you to do my best and try to keep learning as I go."

* At a sporting event: "Whew, I threw out that first pitch like a Brownie Scout with whooping cough. Where I come from, they play polo."

* At a speech to party faithful:

"Look, I've been investigating my opponent's record, and I've uncovered this shocking fact! Turns out, he's really a fairly decent guy."

* At the end of a TV commercial:

"I'm (fill in the blank) and I approved this message... oh, heck, the truth is that I recorded this meaningless responsibility statement two years ago, and everything I just said was really written by some political hacks you'll never see, and then rewritten by party handlers, and then rewritten again by my demographers and image consultants. I hope you liked it."

* On Economics: "I'm concerned first and foremost about the middle class. Because if there isn't a middle class, there would be nothing entertaining for my elitist class to watch through the glass floor."

* In the midst of an adoring small-town rally: "Wow lady, that is one really UGLY baby."

* On the touchy issues: "Hey, some of my best friends are gay abortion-clinic French physicians with gun permits who favor tax increases."

* In Iowa: "I love Iowa. Iowa loves me. I'll always stand up for Iowa. You guys do grow potatoes here, right?"

* On Gun Control: "You know, I just bought this nifty $500 camo outfit for a photo op, but I came back with two canvasbacks, $500,000 in NRA money and three Purple Hearts medals. Besides, a person does really need 70 9mm handguns, in case a bear attacks his house or something."

* "Osama, yo' momma... and here's a shout out to all my boyzzz make in DC-Town."

* On the budget: $500 billion deficit? No problem, let me grab my wife's platinum card..."

* On falling off their respective mountain bikes: "Well, this may be the first time the environment has hurt the politicians..."

* On the health care cost crisis: "Sure I have a plan to reduce the cost of prescription drugs. I'm going to appoint Rush Limbaugh's housekeeper as head of the FDA."

* On their experience: "Am I qualified to be the most important leader in the free world? Well no, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

* On the draft: "Why would I ask young people to do what I wouldn't. I'm going after bin Laden myself."

* On poll returns: "Forget that, how did my HAIR look?"

* And what I'd really like to hear, soon...

"Let's give peace a chance."